The Irony

Dear Bolton News

On 6th June 1944 Allied forces made up of British, American and Canadian troops landed on the beaches of Normandy with the evil intentions of eradicating Europe of National Socialism. The National Socialists had been ‘democratically elected’ by the people of Germany due to their ‘well-thought out’ policies regarding immigration, economic regeneration and world domination. For 7 years the Nazis, led by the shy yet charming Mr Hitler, had quite happily strolled through Europe taking in the sights, chatting with the locals and exterminating 6 million innocent people. The British, however, decided that this wasn’t the way people should behave and put an end to it.

On 7th June 2009, a full 65 years and 1 day later, whilst cataloguing my hemp and sorting through my collection of National Socialist German Workers Party memorabilia, I was struck by the news from my wireless that the honest, upstanding and tolerant Mr Griffin had been elected as an MEP for the North West and that his equally tolerant and honest colleague Mr Brons from Yorkshire had also been elected, on the basis of ‘well-thought out’ policies regarding immigration, economic regeneration and world domination. It is only a matter of time now that the shy, yet charming Mr Griffin, will stroll though Europe taking in the sights and chatting with the locals.....etc etc.

That’s unless the British decide this isn’t the way people should behave and put an end to it.

Lots of love and hugs

Teeps Walsh

'Feelgood' about a Nuclear Winter

First printed in the Bolton News.

10:30am Friday 29th May 2009

I COMPLETELY agree with “Name and address supplied” in The Bolton News regarding “What is there to feel good about?” (May 27).

Who on earth do the directors of Bolton Little Theatre think they are?

For 78 years they have been allowing talented volunteers to waste their time putting on “performances” for the people of Bolton when they should have all been at home documenting their varied collection of hemp like the rest of us.

I find it utterly disgusting that anyone would want to engage with others in an evening of laughter and entertainment.

It makes me especially angry when people would willingly watch a play that pokes fun at the fine upstanding citizens we have elected as our MPs. These people deserve our support, not ridicule.

So, I urge you, people of Bolton, don’t be tempted by an evening of humour, farce and satire.

Instead, close the curtains, take out the hemp and join me as we slowly wait for the nuclear winter that North Korea is intent on inflicting upon us — and bring a sweater . . . it may get chilly.

Love and hugs.

Teeps Walsh, Tonge Park Avenue, Bolton

The Harsh Truth about Poverty in Britain

On Friday 13th March 2009 millions of people across Britain tuned in to watch Comic Relief. Over the course of the evening we were brought to tears by horrific stories of families forced to live in horrendous conditions. Malnourished and without any money having to endure day after day of hardship to just survive. Little did we know that there were families on our very own doorsteps having to endure almost the same lifelong struggle against poverty on a daily basis.

One such family, the Chawner’s (BN Wednesday 18th March: “Too Fat to Work”) find everyday a struggle to survive. Forced to live in a house made of bricks, heated only by gas and electricity, the family have just 22thousand pounds a year to live off and regularly find themselves struggling to cope.

Every week Mrs Chawner is forced to walk the long, arduous 2feet across the room to one of the families only two computers and visit asda.com where she can only afford to buy the necessities of microwavable pies, biscuits, bacon, bread and cereal. Meanwhile her daughter, Emma, has to attend a hairdressing course for 12 hours a week, meaning she has no time to do things that other girls her age do, like squat thrusts or eat a salad.

There are families all over Britain suffering in the same way struck down by laziness. We must help them. By pledging just 1pound a day you too can ensure these brave souls don’t have to turn to last ditch measures to survive, such as finding a job.

Freeeeeee.....to say what ever you want!

Dear World

I have spent the past few weeks being told just how important it is for everyone to uphold the right for 'Freedom of Speech' and that by censoring certain groups, such as the BNP for example, then we are no better than then because it infringes on their right to 'make non-sensical racist, homophobic and sexist remarks in public without consequence".

I therefore feel that there are many other people who need to have a voice without fear of persecution.

Firstly people who wish to commit murder. It is your duty as members of a democratic country to ensure your views are heard loud and clear. It is only right that you are able to tell the world, in great detail, just how much you would enjoy to rape and kill the 75 year old woman that lives next door but one to you. Go out today and tell the world of your desire, safe in the knowledge that you are only exercising your right to 'freedom of speech'.

Paedophiles too unite. It is time to tell the world just how much you love children and wish to engage is sexual activity with them. You should be able to have a forum with which you can share stories and anecdotes, perhaps a little club where you can get together, have a few drinks and share grooming techniques safe in the knowledge that you are only exercising your right to "freedom of speech".

Finally Al Qaeda. As I have so rightly been informed by many of the sensible, well educated people (apparently) amongst us recently, by preventing you from vocalising you message's of hate in the media we are taking away your freedom of speech. I therefore urge the western media to provide you with a forum so, like the BNP, you too can explain to the world the dangers of a multi-cultural society and how important it is for people to adopt a fanatical point of view to the point where you are happy to blow yourself up safe in the knowledge that you are only exercising your right to "freedom of speech".

lots of love, hugs and kisses

Kev

xxx

A short, uncharacteristic interlude.

I'm not always a sarcastic, bitter person you know. Sometimes i like to entertain and make people smile. Check out www.teeps.co.uk and set me some challenges to help raise money for charity.

Okay...back to the complaining.

Salt and Vinegar is BLUE you idiots!

Dear Mr Walkers Crisps

Please find enclosed half a packet of your Salt an Vinegar flavoured crisps and two packets of other, rival company, salt and vinegar crisps.

You may wonder how these came to arrive on you desk when they clearly should have been consumed by now. The answer is simple. I HATE SALT AND BLOODY VINEGAR. they make my tongue all rough and horrible and make my lips burn.

"Why did you buy them then" i hear you ask. Well the honest reason is i didn't. I went to the shop to pick up a packet of Cheese and Onion for my lunch and reached for the lovely green packet that so obviously going to please me. I paid my 40p (40p for a packet of crisps? Yeah....THAT isn't extortionate!!!!) . At 1:30pm i sat at my desk....slowly opened the green, foil wrapped potato goodness, placed the crisp into my awaiting mouth and....

.......aggghghhhhhhhhh...SALT AND VINEGAR.

Please observe the other packets of S&V i have enclosed. Can you see how the differ from you packets? The quite blatantly BLUEness of the packets? BLUE! Yes...if you were unaware Salt and vinegar is blue (not ACTUALLY blue but crisp packet wise it is). You seem to have taken the cheese and onion GREEN and placed it on the wrong packet. May i suggest you take it upon yourself to sort this situation out before someone dies from a salt and vinegar induced fit due to allergy. It will save you a lot of money and time in the long run.

If you would be so kind as to send me back a packet of GREEN PACKETED cheese and onion i would very much appreciate it.

Love Teeps

P.S I apologise if you are colourblind.

Kids vs Gnomes

First published August 11th 2007, The Bolton News

I CANNOT believe that, in this day and age, children are still allowed to play outside their own houses.

What are the parents thinking?

I refer to the story "Street is split over children's football games" in The Bolton News (Wednesday, August 8).

I think it is ridiculous that other residents' associations would actually make the effort to look at providing areas for these young people to play safely - rather than just banishing them to watching violent films on YouTube or going out to beat up 60 year-old men!

Let's hope that the Jessop Forge Residents' Association wins its battle to stop children playing in their gardens. Then we can all sleep safely in the knowledge that garden gnomes everywhere will never be harmed again.